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Old 07-07-2013, 08:06 PM   #11
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You're over thinking it. The first few years it's going to be great. I'd be thankful for the extra pairs of hands. If they need encouragement to change their behavior down the line, you can make your adjustments then.

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Old 07-07-2013, 08:13 PM   #12
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Re: Should I be upset by this?

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Originally Posted by hpfgirl View Post
I don't think you should be mad about them ignoring the newbie. The baby will either be asleep or attached to you all the time, which is pretty boring for visitors.

ODS will probably need all the extra attention he can get from other family members once you have that baby. Welcome them because he will need them.
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If it's the usual custom for the family, I could see why they'd want to continue...and if they're coming out for your DS's birthday, I would expect they'd spend most of their time with him. I'd actually be more miffed if they came out for DS's b'day & spent their time fawning over the newbie, KWIM? I know my mom is going to come out after the babies are born...I wish she'd mostly wrangle DD so I could get a handle on initial attachment, establishing bfing, going to those first Dr appts, etc., but I know better. I have a more reserved relationship w/ my SIL, but I almost wish she were the one coming...she doesn't really "do" infants & would rein in my tiny tyrant really effectively--exactly what I need, KWIM?
yes and yes. My family and friends all focus on the older children, not the newbies. I do the same for them.

Actually, even DS's pedi was always asking what I was doing with DD to make her feel special.

All this said, I'm not telling you your feelings aren't valid- they are! Try not to worry so early. ((hugs))
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:17 PM   #13
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I think you are irrationally overthinking it because of your pregnancy. Nothing you have posted gives any indication that they will ignore the newbie at all, let alone continue to ignore the little one in the future.
Agreed.

There's nothing to be upset or mad about at all. No one has done anything yet.

As for my personal preference, I wanted visitors to leave the newbie with me and help my older feel important and loved. I need time with the baby without worrying that my daughter feels neglected.
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:29 PM   #14
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Didn't you post a vent or something similar before even getting pregnant pretty much bashing your in laws about coming out to visit and stuff?
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:29 PM   #15
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I think you are over thinking. I'd let them come when they come every year. They aren't ignoring the newbie. Grandma comes in September. Kiddos will get used to it as they grow up.
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:42 PM   #16
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Re: Should I be upset by this?

THis is your pregnancy talking. Try to relax and enjoy the extra hands

Just curious, why does your in-laws visiting mean you can't have a birthday party (in previous years)? In most families that would mean you CAN have the party because the grandparents will be present...
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Old 07-08-2013, 03:55 AM   #17
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Re: Should I be upset by this?

I think you're over reacting. And I mean that in the nicest way possible, I had strange semi-rational things that I worried about when I was pregnant too. It's ok for ODS to be the focus on his birthday. If you find later that YDS is getting ignored as a matter of course, you can deal with it then.

The hardest thing about bringing YDD home for me was how much of my attention ODD lost. YDD was (and is) high needs. ODD is about as laid back as they come, but because of that, YDD sucked up all of my time and ODD didn't get much time, which was a big transition for ODD. Having other family around to help her stay busy while I tended to the baby was a huge help. My girls are about the same distance apart as your boys will be, 4.5 years. We never had any really major issues with ODD, but I know she still gets jealous that she doesn't get as much of my time as her sister does, but I'm far better able to balance it now that YDD is barrelling into toddlerhood that I was when she was a squishy newbie. That need for more attention didn't end with the newborn stage. It didn't really even start getting better until YDD was about 8 months old and wouldn't screech at me every time I put her down. I'm always very thankful when one of my family members can take ODD and make her feel special because I can't always make the time myself, even now.

You can never predict how a family will grow and change. Your ODS is the focus because your ODS is the only living child you have. Nothing's saying that your YDS won't get similar attention as he grows and develops a distinct personality. I think you're projecting fears right now. For everyone else, your YDS isn't really real yet. He is to you - you've wanted and dreamed about him for years, can feel him moving and kicking all the time, but he's still a perpetual person for everyone else, not really real yet. Once he's here, then people will start considering him and his needs. Until then, it's hard to predict how others will really react to the change in your family.

Last edited by Computermama; 07-08-2013 at 04:03 AM.
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:32 AM   #18
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THis is your pregnancy talking. Try to relax and enjoy the extra hands

Just curious, why does your in-laws visiting mean you can't have a birthday party (in previous years)? In most families that would mean you CAN have the party because the grandparents will be present...
My MIL is really odd. She tries to hold her tongue when around others but she isn't great about it. She is a master at saying the wrong thing at wrong time. She says it is because she is "old" and therefore can be free but I don't want to have to clean up her mess. Also she holds grudges, so if something happened (real or imagined) we would NEVER hear the end of it. She has been known to complain to me about things that DH did YEARS before I met him.

So because of that I haven't even wanted to even think about having a party for ds in the past. DH agrees and there is nothing he can do. If he says anything even remotely critical of his mom she turns it into an argument. So he has learned not to try.

Glad to know I am just over reacting. I know that this year it doesn't matter for Yds but my inlaws don't treat their children equally so I guess this is a sore point for me. DH gets the bad end of the stick not that he cares. I just have a hard time watching it.

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Old 07-08-2013, 08:37 AM   #19
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Re: Should I be upset by this?

I was very concerned that MIL would slight our youngest because for the first two years it seemed to me that she did. However, now that he is older and easier (think colic to the nth degree and all around mama's boy) she takes them both all the time. When he was two she would take one boy and then the other because she felt it was too hard to have them both together. Try to give them a chance and keep in mind that it really isn't a big deal for them to not gush over the newbie, everyone else will and your ds will be happy to have someone gushing over him.
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