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Old 02-12-2014, 08:11 PM   #1
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How do I get someone to listen and see it

My son is 6. I've thought for a very long time that something is going on with him. I don't know what. And, I can't even really describe it. Something is just off. It took my husband a while, but he sees it too. My mom sees it. My in-laws sort of see it. All of us have been around him a lot. In my heart, I know something is not quite right.

I talked to his pediatrician. She said he sounds like he might need some counseling, but didn't think it was anything else.

We had the first appointment today. Talking with the counselor, I just can't really properly describe the issues and what I see. There is something different, but it is very hard to describe. Somehow it comes across like he is just a more high needs 6 year old. That isn't it. I have 6 kids. I know there is something more to this.

Anyway, she saw him. Her initial assessment is that he has anxiety that we need to work through. But she saw no other red flags. Well, of course she didn't. Very few people see it and the ones who do have spent a LOT of time with him. Also, his issues don't tend to show in a one on one setting, especially with an adult. He truly seems perfectly normal when you are giving him all the attention, playing what he wants to play and talking about what he wants to talk about. There is no reason for him to shut down, avert his eyes, hide under covers, go into a rage over not getting a turn even though he just had one. You can't see that when he is wrestling with his siblings and won't stop he can't seem to understand that they don't like it. He has no reason to say things like "I'd rather be dead than alive."

He seems totally normal until you spend a lot of time with him and really watch his interactions and see his reactions and over-reactions. Then, it suddenly becomes SO clear.

I don't really care if he gets a label. For a while, I didn't want one. Now, I just want to help him and I want to learn how to parent him better. If we can help him without a label, fine. If not, label him.

I've been thinking on the anxiety thing. I see that. But, that isn't all it is. I did start taking notes. We had an "incident" tonight and after I typed it all out in a document.

How do I get someone to listen to me? I am his mother and I know there is something deeper going on. I don't want something deeper to be going on. But, my mother's instinct on this is so strong. Why won't they listen to me? How do I get someone who can help to actually see this?

Help!

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Old 02-12-2014, 08:32 PM   #2
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

Can you video him?

I wish I had better advice that sounds so frustrating. I hope you find some answers soon!
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:43 PM   #3
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it



It took my mom YEARS of insisting there was something up with my step brothers before they were "labeled" with high functioning Aspergers. Two of the three of them have high functioning autism. I'm not saying at all that, that is what your little guy has, but just that it took a very long time. My mom was insistent that there was just a little something off/wrong with them. They both have gotten tons of help since then, and the older one who is 17 should have no issues living in his own place after he's out of high school. The younger one is only 12 so we don't know about him yet, but he also ended up being diagnosed with a seizure disorder and dealt with it for years before it was ever uncovered. It was a seizure in his brain, that didn't affect his whole body, so no one knew. I still feel bad thinking back on all the times that he would just flip emotionally and seem to have a melt down. Those were the times he had just had a seizure.

Yet again, not pointing you in any particular direction, but its going to take time and lots of energy and persistence to get anyone to listen.
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:55 PM   #4
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

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Originally Posted by sojomisa View Post
Can you video him?

I wish I had better advice that sounds so frustrating. I hope you find some answers soon!
Thanks. One of his quirks is that he will NOT let anyone take his photos or be on video. It's really hard at Christmas time. Good thought though!

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It took my mom YEARS of insisting there was something up with my step brothers before they were "labeled" with high functioning Aspergers. Two of the three of them have high functioning autism. I'm not saying at all that, that is what your little guy has, but just that it took a very long time. My mom was insistent that there was just a little something off/wrong with them. They both have gotten tons of help since then, and the older one who is 17 should have no issues living in his own place after he's out of high school. The younger one is only 12 so we don't know about him yet, but he also ended up being diagnosed with a seizure disorder and dealt with it for years before it was ever uncovered. It was a seizure in his brain, that didn't affect his whole body, so no one knew. I still feel bad thinking back on all the times that he would just flip emotionally and seem to have a melt down. Those were the times he had just had a seizure.

Yet again, not pointing you in any particular direction, but its going to take time and lots of energy and persistence to get anyone to listen.
Well, I think he has high function autism or rather aspergers. However, that is no longer a diagnosis. But, the point is that is what I think and what I've thought for a long time. He has many, many of the symptoms.

What I don't understand is why no one listens. In the "real world" everyone seems to say moms know best and moms instincts are strong. They tell you to trust your instincts. They say if you are concerned to get help. But then when you try, no one believes you. It is like they think I'm imagining it or being paranoid. I'm not. He is different somehow. I just want to help him.

Thanks for understanding. I'm sorry your mom had to go through that. I've only just started trying to get help. I hope it doesn't take years, but I'm scared of that.
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:04 PM   #5
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Does he (or will he) go to school? Perhaps a teacher could help put your concerns into words? Could the other family members who see what you see write their observations & thoughts down for you. Can you secretly record him?
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:38 PM   #6
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

I kind of feel your frustration.

My 6 year old DS is 'off' at times. I have often wondered if he's somewhere on the spectrum, but my DH refuses to see it (he acknowledges that DS is quirky, and can be challenging, but refuses to see that it could possibly be more than quirkiness). His K teacher didn't see any red flags, nor does his 1st grade teacher. He's completely fine at school, at church, etc -- but at home, there is something...off.

He is so emotional.
He is is competitive, and hates to lose.
He loves his routine.
He is particular.
He is bossy and demanding.

And example -- if a song comes on the radio, he gets so upset and frustrated if one of his siblings start singing along. He (tries to) demand that they stop singing. No one can hear the song at all because he's screeching at the person to be quiet.

It's frustrating because I am the only person who thinks something is off with him.

I hope counseling helps with your DS, OP. Maybe with enough time she can see some of the issues your concerned about?
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:49 PM   #7
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

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Originally Posted by mamaerica View Post
I kind of feel your frustration.

My 6 year old DS is 'off' at times. I have often wondered if he's somewhere on the spectrum, but my DH refuses to see it (he acknowledges that DS is quirky, and can be challenging, but refuses to see that it could possibly be more than quirkiness). His K teacher didn't see any red flags, nor does his 1st grade teacher. He's completely fine at school, at church, etc -- but at home, there is something...off.

He is so emotional.
He is is competitive, and hates to lose.
He loves his routine.
He is particular.
He is bossy and demanding.

And example -- if a song comes on the radio, he gets so upset and frustrated if one of his siblings start singing along. He (tries to) demand that they stop singing. No one can hear the song at all because he's screeching at the person to be quiet.

It's frustrating because I am the only person who thinks something is off with him.

I hope counseling helps with your DS, OP. Maybe with enough time she can see some of the issues your concerned about?
Oh my, I could have written this about my 4 yr old.
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:49 PM   #8
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

I have no idea why "professionals" don't trust a mothers instinct, or even acknowledge it.
My kiddos are still young, but you have SIX, you would think they would know that you know your family and children. Sadly, they think that because they have a degree, that they know best.
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:54 PM   #9
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

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Originally Posted by mamaerica View Post
I kind of feel your frustration.

My 6 year old DS is 'off' at times. I have often wondered if he's somewhere on the spectrum, but my DH refuses to see it (he acknowledges that DS is quirky, and can be challenging, but refuses to see that it could possibly be more than quirkiness). His K teacher didn't see any red flags, nor does his 1st grade teacher. He's completely fine at school, at church, etc -- but at home, there is something...off.

He is so emotional.
He is is competitive, and hates to lose.
He loves his routine.
He is particular.
He is bossy and demanding.

And example -- if a song comes on the radio, he gets so upset and frustrated if one of his siblings start singing along. He (tries to) demand that they stop singing. No one can hear the song at all because he's screeching at the person to be quiet.

It's frustrating because I am the only person who thinks something is off with him.

I hope counseling helps with your DS, OP. Maybe with enough time she can see some of the issues your concerned about?
Thanks! It took me a while to get my husband to admit it. I started talking about it when he was about 4...maybe 3. He is 6 now. I also started mentioning it to my mom at about the same time and she didn't see it either. I only recently mentioned it to my in-laws. They know something is different about him. They just figured it was middle child syndrome type stuff. But, they do notice something is off.

If I'm honest with myself, I've had this feeling since before he was born. I'll never forget the first real sign that something was really off. He is a twin. I was nursing both of them together. My daughter, his twin, would snuggle in close and nurse cuddled up to me. He would pull back, hard while still staying latched. He would pull back so hard that I have to physically hold him with my arm to keep him from hurting me. My arm used to get sore from using so much strength to keep him close enough not to tug on my nip. I remember feeling sad about it and not understanding why he would do that.

My son has the sound thing too. He just doesn't like music or any loud noises in general. He will cry and scream too for us to turn it off. It's sad because the rest of us all like music.

I'm sorry you are struggling with the same frustrations.
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Old 02-12-2014, 10:00 PM   #10
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Re: How do I get someone to listen and see it

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I have no idea why "professionals" don't trust a mothers instinct, or even acknowledge it.
My kiddos are still young, but you have SIX, you would think they would know that you know your family and children. Sadly, they think that because they have a degree, that they know best.
I know. It is strange. We all seem to know that education is not a replacement for real life experience, yet somehow in the medical community it often seems to be that way. (ETA - Not saying education isn't important and doesn't hold water. Just saying that there is something to be said for actual experience. )

My kids are still young. I only have one who is older than 6. He is 8. Then I have another 6 year old (his twin), 2 3 year olds and a 16 month old. So, it isn't like he is the last of 6 and I can say I've done this 5 times prior. I do realize and acknowledge that. However, I do have another 6 year old and an 8 year old. Plus, I know how my current 3 year olds act and it is different from this son. In fact, they don't even have the over-reactions that he does. I mean, they do sometimes, but really it isn't like my 6 year old son and they are 3, not 6. And, even if I didn't have 6 kids, mother's have strong instincts and we can often tell when something isn't right. We just know. Even when he shows affection, it is different. There is something different about him than other people. I don't need to have 6 other kids to feel it, KWIM?
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