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Old 08-30-2006, 11:45 AM   #1
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Help with my 4yo

Who lately is nothing but fresh, disrespectful and mean. Ever since Chloe had hand, foot and mouth a couple weeks ago we've been dealing with this.

First of all, the blisters in her mouth went away last week.... so she decided it would be a good idea to bite the inside of her mouth - now there's a bunch of cuts all in her mouth. We've told her that she needs to stop biting because it will end infected - I could tell her this until my head spun around and she says Okay mommy, I promise I won't do it again. 2 seconds later, she's biting it again. We've done everything, take away toys, tv, going out to play, staying over Grandparents - she just doesn't care.

She gives us a hard time going to bed every night, throws a fit when its time - screams, crys, kicks, throws a fit. I figured that she overtired and I bumped her bedtime up a whole hour - helped for one night.
She is a million times worse when my DH is home. For instance - he had a plumbing seminar last night so I was here alone and put her to bed - she started with the whining and crying, I just simply said "Chloe, we're not doing this tonight - Good Night" I shut the door and she went right to sleep. The only other night she went to bed without a fight in the last 3 weeks DH was at the dentist at bedtime (this was also the night I bumped back bedtime).

I just don't know what else to do - she has always been a very well behaved child. Always listened, did what she told, was polite and sweet. DH keeps blaming it on her going to school last year (Pre-K1) and thinks she picked up all these things from the other kids.

On Sunday we went to my IL's for dinner and had to leave because she was being so fresh and rude to me - I certainly wasn't going to reward the bad behavior and let her stay to play. This happened the last time we went to the IL's too.

I'm just at my wits end, she on her 10th time out for the day - yelling at me that she bit her mouth again (knowing she doesn't come out of time out unless she has been quiet). I just can't take the way she speaks to me and the way that she acts - I really don't know what else to do anymore

Sorry if there's typos or this doesn't make sense, typing through tears and I'm not feeling well today.

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Old 08-30-2006, 01:50 PM   #2
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Re: Help with my 4yo

Has there been any changes around your home lately. DH working more, are you expecting or have a new baby? Anything that could be upsetting her that she is having a hard time expressing. My DD started this last year when my DH was in Iraq and I was pregnant w/ our 2nd and we had moved to be closer to family when the new baby arrived, she was 3-1/2 a the time. Yery mean, told me she hated me and very bad behavior. It was heartbreaking. I knew part of it was all the changes that had been going on, but it still wasn't acceptable. Try to figure out what might be causing her to be upset, and help her have an outlet for her frustration/anger whatever. For my Dd it helped that we started writing letters(drawing pictures actually) to send to daddy. She had easy access to paper and markers so anytime she wanted she drew a pic for him. Then we got an envelop I addressed it she put the stamp on and we took it to the mailbox. It gave her some control by being able to do it when ever she wanted. And I made sure as soon as she said her picture was ready we got the envelope out and mailed it instead of waiting. We also talked alot about all the changes that were going on and I tried to understand her feelings. It wasn't always perfect after that, but better. I hope you figure out what is making you DD upset and can find an outlet for her. Good luck mamma, and from me.
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Old 08-30-2006, 02:06 PM   #3
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Re: Help with my 4yo

My son was born in April 2005, he has been a high needs sick baby. My husband started a new job in August 2005 - this job keeps him away much longer hours than his old job. DS has lots of appointments and occupational therapy for Sensory Integration Dysfunction (which we can barely get through because Chloe whines, cries and makes a scene).

I've tried talking to her about whats going on, it gets me nowhere. I even tried sending her to a summer camp program that her school did this summer - 3 days a week from 9-1. She was very well behaved at school last year, did well during the 3 days in July. Sent her back in August for 3 days and she did the same things there that she's been doing at home. Whining, crying, talking back and wanting to lay on the floor and not participating in activities. The teacher told me that she was just nervous because she didn't know the other kids there and she had been home with me all summer.
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Old 08-30-2006, 02:22 PM   #4
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Re: Help with my 4yo

Sounds like the stuff that has changed happened a while ago. Blows my theory out of the water. When you talk about the special needs of your DS do you give DD some way to express her feelings. Maybe she feels like she doesn't get any attention, ever take her for some mommy daughter time, or daddy daughter time. I wish I had better answers for you. I hope you find something to help her express her feeling better than lashing out at you. I know how hurtful that can be.
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Old 08-30-2006, 02:27 PM   #5
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Re: Help with my 4yo

Thanks mama She does get lots of attention, lots of time with both of us individually.

We've even tried having her Grandma talk to her and other family members - to see if maybe she'll tell them whats bugging her It is heartbreaking to be spoken to that way. Its harder for me to see her like that because growing up my brother and I knew better than to speak that way to our parents. I just don't get it.
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Old 08-30-2006, 03:44 PM   #6
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Re: Help with my 4yo

Hey Karen,

I replied to you via the red dye thread as well but I thought I would post here too. I would certainly give some merit to trying a food program that eliminated dyes and additives from your whole familys diet. Wouldn't that be amazing if the program helped your son too? I can only imagine that if your daughter is sensitive to the red dye that the cuts in her mouth would exaccerbate the problem because it allows the dye directly into her blood stream, KWIM?

Now perhaps her behavior has nothing to do with it but in all reality eating better can only help, right? Our bodies were not made to consume additives and preservatives and I can only imagine that as generations upon generations make these things a part of our normal diet that we will see growing problems in our children. Even if it doesn't work you are not out much. This is just my opinion, of course.

For dealing specifically with the behavior I recommend the book, "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." I believe the book is by Adele Frasier. Your local library should have it. They also have two other books that are very good.

Jessica
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Old 08-30-2006, 04:35 PM   #7
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Re: Help with my 4yo

Thanks Jessica!

I just looked at the box for Chloe's fruit snacks - its got red, yellow and blue dyes I'll be looking through the cabinets tonight to see if anything else has it. I really suspect that its the fruit snacks that are causing the problem though, we never used to buy them for the house - she would only have them as a treat at the IL's house.... well, ever single time we come from the IL's she is HORRIBLE. We thought that it was her acting up after being with her grandparents but she doesn't do it coming home from anyone else's house. We just started to buy them for the house about a month ago - when all these issues really started to get bad. It's all coming together now. I already talked with DH when he came home and we are going to cut out the fruit snacks immediately and check other labels tonight. I just want my baby girl back.

Unfortunately my son doesn't eat food right now - that's part of his problem with SID and his horrible reflux and food allergies. The small amount of things he does eat on occasion are the Just Tomatoes fruits and veggies - thankfully, no dyes in those.
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Old 08-30-2006, 04:47 PM   #8
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Re: Help with my 4yo

Good luck, i hope you find your answers! Please let me know if it turns out to eliminate the problem. I am really curious.

Do you nurse your son though? Possibly he is affected through your milk? Not sure on that one though.

jessica

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Originally Posted by Luvmybabies
Thanks Jessica!

I just looked at the box for Chloe's fruit snacks - its got red, yellow and blue dyes I'll be looking through the cabinets tonight to see if anything else has it. I really suspect that its the fruit snacks that are causing the problem though, we never used to buy them for the house - she would only have them as a treat at the IL's house.... well, ever single time we come from the IL's she is HORRIBLE. We thought that it was her acting up after being with her grandparents but she doesn't do it coming home from anyone else's house. We just started to buy them for the house about a month ago - when all these issues really started to get bad. It's all coming together now. I already talked with DH when he came home and we are going to cut out the fruit snacks immediately and check other labels tonight. I just want my baby girl back.

Unfortunately my son doesn't eat food right now - that's part of his problem with SID and his horrible reflux and food allergies. The small amount of things he does eat on occasion are the Just Tomatoes fruits and veggies - thankfully, no dyes in those.
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Old 08-31-2006, 08:24 PM   #9
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Re: Help with my 4yo

wow jessica that is amazing. red dye can do that to you???
karen i hope jessica is right and you can get chloe back sweeitie
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Old 08-31-2006, 08:30 PM   #10
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Re: Help with my 4yo

After today I'm completely convinced about this! I read through everything at www.feingold.org - when Chloe got up today I didn't give her a vitamin (full of dyes), didn't allow her to use her bright colored sparkly toothpaste, didn't give her any fruit snacks or anything with artificial flavors or colors all day long. I didn't act like anything was different, we went to the store and bought some new toothpaste - Tom's of Maine was recommended on the Feingold site - I just told her that it was time for a new tube. She did ask once for fruit snacks and I said not today and gave her some apples - she was fine with that.

She went to bed with no issues what so ever, sweet as pie.

We'll see what the next few days bring, I'm just in shock that only a few small changes could make such a huge difference.
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