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Old 09-22-2006, 01:51 PM   #1
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MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

DS is colicky - he has reflux and is intolerant to milk protein. He has been getting progressively better and is so much easier than he used to be.

From the get-go, MIL has told me how her oldest was really fussy and when she'd fed him, changed him and rocked him and he wouldn't stop crying, she'd put him in his crib to cry and turn the vacuum on so she couldn't hear him.

She says that if you've done what you can to make them stop, and they won't, then you should just put them down and they'll tire themselves out.

Umm, how about just providing a little comfort for them instead of leaving them all alone when they're hurting??

When she tells me this, I don't really give her a response because I just don't want to get in to it. She's very sensitive and I feel sometimes that she's looking for validation or something. If I disagree with what she did with her kids, she'll feel like I'm being critical of her. Maybe I should just explain our parenting philosophy to her, and explain why I would never leave Jonas to cry by himself, but I really think she would just hear it as criticism.

I had lunch with my mom today, and she said that at Jonas' baptism last Sunday, MIL was telling her "If we could only get her to put that baby down..." Not on your life!

I don't think my mom totally gets AP yet, but she is very respectful of the choices we make and she knows that I do a lot of reading on the subject. And she would certainly never suggest we let a baby CIO.

MIL LOVES Jonas, but she hands him off whenever he starts fussing, like she doesn't know how to care for a fussy baby. She really wants to babysit for us, but the thought of leaving him with her scares me right now because I'm so afraid she won't comfort him if he's crying. (We've only left him once with my parents when we went out for our anniversary last week). We have no reason to leave him with anyone in the near future, but it just bothers me that she keeps bringing CIO up.

Maybe I just need to have DH firmly tell her that we don't do that, and we expect anyone who is caring for him to respect our wishes and care for him the way we ask. End of story. It's not our problem if she doesn't like it - right?

Guess this was just a rant really...needed to get that off my chest. How do you deal with parents who have a different philosophy from you?

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Old 09-22-2006, 02:08 PM   #2
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

i suggest explaining to her your parenting style, i ahd to let my mom know that i do not do the whole CIO, she used to tell me crap for holding my son and now danae too so much, but my kids and i and dh too love the closeness and since this is what we choose to do then its our right.
as fr cio, my mom tells me they NEED to cry, it strengthens there lungs>WTH kind of crap is that, she knows better than to question my parenting style because i do get defensive when it comes to my choices. i don't have to worry about anything when it comes to family because they know i parent the way i feel is best and if they don't liek it then tough. i am not critizising for the way they chose to raise ther kids and sure their kids are just fine now, but mine will also be fine when they grow up
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Old 09-22-2006, 02:23 PM   #3
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

If I were you I would just make something up. Like tell her that you can't let him cry it out because it would upset his reflux and put him in all kinds of physical pain and probably make him puke. How can she argue with that? That way you're not condemning her parenting style, and she really can't say anything else about it.

As for CIO in general, I did use it, but I didn't see any other choice at the time. Even comforting him didn't work, and co-sleeping was leaving me with scabbed nipples once he sprouted teeth. (which was dangerous because I have hep C) I'm def not against co-sleeping, I did it for 6 months and still do it in the mornings, it just wasn't working then. I don't understand why people can't just understand that everyone is different though. So many people want to push their views on others and I just don't get it.
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Old 09-23-2006, 07:02 PM   #4
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

OMG that totally sounds like my mil!! When we had dd she felt like we were doing everything wrong (different than she did) and sh would say the same things. She also really wanted to babysit but i felt she would not respect our wishes, dh and i sat down with and had a long talk about how we felt (very hard) it make a huge difference but we felt better and she kinda stopped with the comments. Now dd is 4 and ds 15 months and she just babysat for the first time last week and it went great It took a long time for her to understand our parenting choices and realize that we were trying to show her that we are doing things better than she did. Of course we still have a few issues but i have a good relationship with my mil now (not the same as my mom) but good. Good luck to you hopefully things will get better
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Old 09-23-2006, 07:05 PM   #5
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

sometimes people don't understand medical problems. I used to get picked on for holding and comforting my late dd too much. I would just smile and say thanks for the advice, but I am the mama. cio does have it's time and place, but if it's reflux, well, um, no.
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Old 09-23-2006, 07:36 PM   #6
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

I've recently learned to not put too much energy, stock, emotion or thought into what the relatives say. As long as DH and I are on the same sheet of music, who gives a turd about what others think, feel, about what you should do with your kiddos?

I recently had my stupid SIL tell my DH that she believes me to have blown my top at my DD because I said no to a sleep over for her and a boy (she's 6, he's 8, I don't know him, nor his parents). Um... and her opinion matters why?

Anyway... sorry, got OT.... as frustrating as it can get, try not to let them upset you. I used CIO with my middle one because six months of colick, I learned when I could put her down so I got a sanity break. Like togg said... it has it's time and place but it's up to the parents as to what works for them.

Lots of to you mama!
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Old 09-24-2006, 12:18 AM   #7
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet_Fantasy_Fox
as fr cio, my mom tells me they NEED to cry, it strengthens there lungs
I saw a quote once- and even repeated it to FIL when he made some remark about DD exercising her lungs-
Crying is about as good for the lungs as bloodletting is for infections
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Old 09-24-2006, 08:45 AM   #8
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

Here's what I think- do CIO or dont'. Its a parents ch oice and should only be the parents choice. You said this:
Maybe I just need to have DH firmly tell her that we don't do that, and we expect anyone who is caring for him to respect our wishes and care for him the way we ask. End of story. It's not our problem if she doesn't like it - right?
Yes, this is what you should do. This is your parenting choice and they either respect it (meaning they get to watch her) or they don't (meaning they don't get to watch her.) If she wants to babysit, she follows your wishes, end of story.
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Old 09-24-2006, 07:17 PM   #9
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Re: MIL Keeps Suggesting CIO Arghhh

Actually my ds had Reflux/GERD Really Really bad and his ped said Do Not let him cry and get upset that it will make him throw up more-so that's not really an excuse-it's the truth. In fact I ended up sleeping with him on my chest propped up in the bed for months because if he laid down he would start choking and stop breathing from it-if he cried it was worse. I guess that the pressure from their little muscles squeezing when they cry will act like a pump and help shove everything back up. Good Luck-You MIL needs to realize that what was right then is not necessarily the right way to do it now. Trial and error of a sort.
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