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Old 05-16-2006, 12:39 PM   #21
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We aren't, but I wish we were. I get the QF digest and we have talked about it many times. This last pregnancy was very, very hard on my body, as it was the third in less than three years. I was just miserable at the end. i desperately want more children but I am praying that the Lord grants me a break. We do use protection (just barrier) but I hate it. I just feel it's necessary right now. We would also like to adopt in a couple years, at least twice.

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Old 05-16-2006, 01:33 PM   #22
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Just to add my two cents regarding adoption...Wait. If your children are not old enough to be a real help around the house, and you take in other children...It will not be good.

My children are 8.6.4 and 2 1/2. Our foster children are 4 1/2 and 2. Our life is a nightmare right now. We were planning to adopt and we just cannot go through with it. I can't put into words what my life is like most days. I am slowly losing a grip on my children...We have tried everything, but the balance cannot and will not come. Unless we devote 90% of our attention on the two girls, they act horribly...And not just irriataing..behaviors that get people hurt.

I would love to adopt as well...but well after my children are older. These girls NEED, and I mean NEED, to be in a family that has either no other children, or much older children. Otherwise, they will tear the family apart. No one tells you this....or they assume that problems can be fixed with just the right balanace of time, attention, counseling, or whatever...I am on the other side of the fence and these girls are related to me, so it should have been easier.

Losing our son made this worse, because when our own children needed time with Mom and Dad, the two girls went from semi-okay to complete hellions. I am reminded of the movie the Poltergeist...where the family just could not get away from what was haunting them...because of the little girl....I feel like that every second of every day right now....

I know that's pretty negative and you hear all these wonderful stories of adoption, but I am walking that road right now and really believe there are some who can/some who can't but anyone considering it needs to look at all the dynamics. Bringing small children in when you have your own is just asking for it...Especially if there are behavior issues...

Yes, we are having a bad day today LOL....
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Old 05-16-2006, 05:25 PM   #23
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UMMM, I thought I was until this pg. I have decided that I do not want any more children after this one because I don't think I can handle another one. This has been a HARD pg and I am exhausted!!! I have no clue what I am going to use though since "permanent" methods arenot an option and I know if I am meant to have another I will get pg regardless. Every time I try the "pill" I end up pg. Go figure.
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Old 05-16-2006, 05:57 PM   #24
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Re: are there any other....

Quote:
Bringing small children in when you have your own is just asking for it...Especially if there are behavior issues...
Im sorry. I dont understand what you mean. What are we asking for? Is it not true that biological or not, that some children are just genetically inclined to have behavioral issues?

I actually dont understand your entire post about adoption. This is a sensitive subject for me, watching my friend who has adopted and will most likely adopt again very soon. I have seen the headaches it has caused but I have never seen her blame a child for all of her problems.

Would you mind clarifying please? From where I am sitting, it sounds like you are resentful of the children in your care. Im hoping thats not the case.
If it is so, are there other alternatives for these childrens care that will be a better fit for all involved?

Im not trying to flame-please understand. I am genuinely concerned for you and for the girls.
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:19 PM   #25
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I love kids and want many but im in no way religous and had my dd at 17 and am 19 now we are thinking of ttc this winter and ppl think im nuts and i wanna quit bc all together afterwards but what if we cant handle it....i would LOVE to have as many children as my body allows but i have so many what if thoughts if you can pm me your opinions on ways to make it work
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:33 PM   #26
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dirtdartwife,

Iraq can definitely change a soldier's mind. It's funny....we had this exact same conversation about 2 years ago when he was first in Iraq. he wanted to be finacially stable. By the time he came home, he was ready to try for more children. We now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter that just has him wrapped around her finger, and am 5 months pregnant with a boy, and he's talking about having more after this one. So, there is hope. The biggest thing is prayer!!

lindsayncadence,

Being quiverful is definitely depending on God. It's knowing that you can trust God with how many children he blesses you with, and knowing that He won't give you such a great gift without providing for you and the baby. I know that you say you aren't religious, but God is sooo awesome!! He has done many miraculous things in our lives! One in particular is keeping my husband safe in Iraq when many of his fellow soldies think he should have been killed several times. With faith in God, you don't have the worries of "what if"; you know that He will provide!!
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:21 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smugsmilz
Im not trying to flame-please understand. I am genuinely concerned for you and for the girls.
I will be glad to talk to you via PM. This is a sensitive subject for me as well....I am living it. The two girls will not be in our home much longer. It's just gotten way out of hand. Every single child I know of has behavioral issues on some level or another, however, when you are the Mom of four very small children and pregnant, there are some behaviors that are just dangerous for all involved. This is what brought us to our decision to not go through with the adoption. It is never and will never be the child's fault and that is part of the horrific consquences of a child not being with their natural parents. And I am not talking about adopting a small baby...I am talking about adopting or fostering children already well established in a pattern of behavior. You have to have a great deal of time to spend on that child....day in and day out, soley on the child that is having the issues and unfortunately our dynamic cannot allow that. There are 6 children in this house...No one is the center at all times. It can't work that way. The two girls need to be in a home where number one they are the center, and number two where each person that takes care of her gets a break from time to time. I have been up the social workers butt with many of these issues. I have broken down into small details what exactly the problems are and what I feel will be important to her in finding the girls forever home. There have been some things my husband and I were not made aware of before they came here and that's a bit unsettling. Mostly because my Mom sort of got involved in a negative way, with no intention of taking care of the girls.

I am not the kind of person to take anything lightly, so this, as you can probably imagine is huge. My midwife keeps telling me "it's so intense" because she has seen the whole thing play out.

Doing this has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. The physical exhaustion alone is beyond explanation. I am glad your friend had a good experience. A lot of people do. But a lot people don't as well. Its not about how good it feels, it's about doing the right thing. And that is what we are trying to do.
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:49 PM   #28
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Melissa I've been "following your story" since you first began posting about the girls, before they came to live with you. I can't imagine all you're going through. I will say a prayer for all of you though, for a little peace in everyones hearts

I'm not sure why I happened into this forum, or this post lol But I figured I'd respond now that I've read it. While I think its a wonderful thing - being a quiverfull parent - I don't think I have the confidence in myself to handle anymore children....and I've only got two lol We don't use anything though...just hope ....a really lazy version of NFP. I just think I have a LOT of growing to do in my own spiritual life, it scares me that I may not be encouraging growth enough in my children's lives as it is. But then again, I'm only 25 - I've only got 2 kids, 6 yrs apart. I'm pretty sure God is aware of where I'm at spiritually There's plenty of time left for growth for everyone, only God knows how many children I'll have years from now.
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Old 05-16-2006, 10:09 PM   #29
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Oh my, I just did this big edit on my last post and it didn't go through.

MamaJo, thank you for your kind words. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. After Matthew died I realized something...I was being really selfish by keeping the girls here. I wanted this to work so badly that I thought okay, no matter what I had to give up, I was going to make it WORK. But there's this limit that I never knew I had. A limit on hours in the day, a limit on patience, and just a limit on what a person can endure. My husband would be thrilled if I was "more upset" about it all, but instead I am shutting down completely. And this isn't because of the baby...This was happening from day one of getting the girls here.

I pictured something different, I think everyone does when they think of this situation. I did give up everything...stopped sewing, stopped doing any work on the business and devoted every second of every day to just keeping up. I get up in the morning and I immediately start being referee. My children just aren't fighters..and at first, it was great. They played together..got along. But the behaviors that made the oldest girl be separated from her brother were turned on my son. And it's not her fault..We have never looked at these children and blamed them. It's not fair..Not to anyone. My two older children have come to me in tears and begged me for the oldest girl not to live here anymore. Somewhere along the line she has learned that the best way to gain attention is to torture people. There are a lot of issues there, and my eyes are totally opened more now than ever about what happens to children not cared for properly. The oldest girl has learned that through chaos, she gets attention. It's kind of like we had four thriving plants...and we moved them out of the way a little to make room for two new ones. The two new ones are looking great, but the four original ones have withered up and dried and we need to get them back in that sunlight or they will just fail completely. However while the four plants can do okay for a while out of the sunlight, the two new plants can only survive a brief amount of time without it....so the four older plants never quite get enough to perk back up...and there's only so much room on the window sill. That is our house right now. When they got here, they got ALL the attention and my children were cool for awhile. Then it started getting a little worse, a little worse, a little worse...After the baby died, our two oldest children had a lot of questions...a lot of things we had to talk about without the oldest girl in the room because you have to really, really watch what information goes into her head because she gets really off kilter with certain things...So as we paid more attention to our own children the two girls...yes even the youngest...started acting out in ways I can't even describe. Scary stuff. And it finally hit us...this isn't ever going to work because we can't meet these girls needs...we never will be able to focus solely on them...and that hurts them. They aren't going to thrive unless someone pays them all the attention.

Am I resentful? Honestly yes. But not towards the girls...To all those involved who didn't do their part. Towards my sister who didn't do what she needed to do and just acted like she wasn't a mother. Towards my mother who paved this path with the way she raised my sister....and me. I am not resentful to anyone else. I truly believe everyone else involved is doing the best they can. I hug them at night, I tuck them in and my heart breaks because as much as we wanted to do this, we can't. We went into this full on...this was what we WERE going to do, no matter what. Quitting was never an option because we didn't care what we had to sacrifice to make it work....We just didn't realize that would ultimately mean sacrificing the best interests of these girls...and our own children. We never saw that one coming....Who could? I am a very idealistic person and I want the happy ever after. I want the fairy tale and let me tell you what...the most painful part of growing up is realizing sometimes that fairy tale isn't there....and it's not happily ever after...its "Best I Could Do....Ever after..."

We are not happy at all right now. I am the type that feels I can fix anything. I have lost my voice for a week because we talked so much about this, that it went away. We have stayed up until wee hours in the morning thinking of all these crazy things we could do to make it work...."But if we..." "What about..." "I could give up..." and it's like dang nothing would work..

I dunno..just a really hard situation...and I have REALLLY learned my lesson about judging others if they are going through something I haven't first hand..You never know what you would do unless you are faced with doing it. That much I know
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Old 05-17-2006, 01:20 AM   #30
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Re: are there any other....

hugs to you and your family. it seems like a very hard stituation and it very brave of you to clear it all up for us here

Quote:
Originally Posted by MelissaCoffey
Oh my, I just did this big edit on my last post and it didn't go through.

MamaJo, thank you for your kind words. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. After Matthew died I realized something...I was being really selfish by keeping the girls here. I wanted this to work so badly that I thought okay, no matter what I had to give up, I was going to make it WORK. But there's this limit that I never knew I had. A limit on hours in the day, a limit on patience, and just a limit on what a person can endure. My husband would be thrilled if I was "more upset" about it all, but instead I am shutting down completely. And this isn't because of the baby...This was happening from day one of getting the girls here.

I pictured something different, I think everyone does when they think of this situation. I did give up everything...stopped sewing, stopped doing any work on the business and devoted every second of every day to just keeping up. I get up in the morning and I immediately start being referee. My children just aren't fighters..and at first, it was great. They played together..got along. But the behaviors that made the oldest girl be separated from her brother were turned on my son. And it's not her fault..We have never looked at these children and blamed them. It's not fair..Not to anyone. My two older children have come to me in tears and begged me for the oldest girl not to live here anymore. Somewhere along the line she has learned that the best way to gain attention is to torture people. There are a lot of issues there, and my eyes are totally opened more now than ever about what happens to children not cared for properly. The oldest girl has learned that through chaos, she gets attention. It's kind of like we had four thriving plants...and we moved them out of the way a little to make room for two new ones. The two new ones are looking great, but the four original ones have withered up and dried and we need to get them back in that sunlight or they will just fail completely. However while the four plants can do okay for a while out of the sunlight, the two new plants can only survive a brief amount of time without it....so the four older plants never quite get enough to perk back up...and there's only so much room on the window sill. That is our house right now. When they got here, they got ALL the attention and my children were cool for awhile. Then it started getting a little worse, a little worse, a little worse...After the baby died, our two oldest children had a lot of questions...a lot of things we had to talk about without the oldest girl in the room because you have to really, really watch what information goes into her head because she gets really off kilter with certain things...So as we paid more attention to our own children the two girls...yes even the youngest...started acting out in ways I can't even describe. Scary stuff. And it finally hit us...this isn't ever going to work because we can't meet these girls needs...we never will be able to focus solely on them...and that hurts them. They aren't going to thrive unless someone pays them all the attention.

Am I resentful? Honestly yes. But not towards the girls...To all those involved who didn't do their part. Towards my sister who didn't do what she needed to do and just acted like she wasn't a mother. Towards my mother who paved this path with the way she raised my sister....and me. I am not resentful to anyone else. I truly believe everyone else involved is doing the best they can. I hug them at night, I tuck them in and my heart breaks because as much as we wanted to do this, we can't. We went into this full on...this was what we WERE going to do, no matter what. Quitting was never an option because we didn't care what we had to sacrifice to make it work....We just didn't realize that would ultimately mean sacrificing the best interests of these girls...and our own children. We never saw that one coming....Who could? I am a very idealistic person and I want the happy ever after. I want the fairy tale and let me tell you what...the most painful part of growing up is realizing sometimes that fairy tale isn't there....and it's not happily ever after...its "Best I Could Do....Ever after..."

We are not happy at all right now. I am the type that feels I can fix anything. I have lost my voice for a week because we talked so much about this, that it went away. We have stayed up until wee hours in the morning thinking of all these crazy things we could do to make it work...."But if we..." "What about..." "I could give up..." and it's like dang nothing would work..

I dunno..just a really hard situation...and I have REALLLY learned my lesson about judging others if they are going through something I haven't first hand..You never know what you would do unless you are faced with doing it. That much I know
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