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Old 11-18-2006, 09:18 PM   #1
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what would you do.....

This is a long story...but I need your imput.
My dh's foster brother, his wife, and their 6 year old daughter moved to town from across the country. (Dh's dad used to run social services in town and had foster children.)
They arrived and got moved in. They've been here for maybe three weeks.
Apparently they got into a major domestic argument and he got arrested. She's moving back home with her daughter.
My father in law bailed him out of jail and thinks the wife is making the whole story up......THAT'S A WHOLE NOTHER TOPIC TO ***** ABOUT...We don't have time to go into that side senerio.
Anyway.....dh's family bailed the dad out of jail and they took him in and are helping him. Meanwhile the wife is at home with the 6 year old, no food, no money, no phone, no car. And I'm PISSED about them supporting HIM. So, I decide that if they are all going to be *******s, I'll go support her.
So, I sit with her for two days while she cries and talk to her about what she is going to do next etc..etc....
And today, she comes over to use my phone, and we offer to watch her 6 year old for the afternoon. Our daughter likes her.
Eli and I take the kids to Iowa City an hour away, and give them a really fun day. We took them to an Amish resturant and made sure the little girl had a really solid dinner. We took them to a kid's playland at the mall, etc etc....
and at 9 at night, we go to drop the little girl off, and Eli walks her to the door, comes back to the car and tells me the mom is drunk.
I go back up to the house and tell her- "no judgment( ) but watching children and drinking don't mix....I'll take your kid overnight."
We get home and Eli is going to run her over some groceries.....
SHES GONE. It's only been 5 min. since we left her house.....SHE'S AT THE BAR AGAIN.
OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Is it just me or is this just....wrong.
I didn't grow up with parents who drank EVER. NOT ONCE, so I'm a virgin in this department, but seems to me that you don't let someone pull your child out of a f'ed up home situation, give them a break from the depression YOU created, and then have your child slapped in the face with you at the door piss *** drunk.
IS IT ME, or is this F'ed beyond belief?
Sorry about all the cursing.....I'M ........"ticked."

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Last edited by jillkuster; 11-18-2006 at 09:43 PM.
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Old 11-18-2006, 09:22 PM   #2
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Re: what would you do.....

That is totally F'ed up! OMG! I would be tempted to call CPS, but I don't know what they could do about it. That is so sad... Makes me wonder what her behavior is like even when her DD is home with her. Do you think she did lie about him abusing her? Gosh, that poor little girl...
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Old 11-18-2006, 09:23 PM   #3
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Re: what would you do.....

I'm with you, that is really messed up. I'll keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Especially the little girl.
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Old 11-18-2006, 09:24 PM   #4
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Re: what would you do.....

Everyone thinks she's lying about her dh abusing her...but I don't. He's a drunk too and they fight like crazy...so why wouldn't they hit each other. KWIM?
And from what I've gathered, the mom dosen't seem to think drinking and being in charge of her child is a big deal.
Lets have some straight up honesty here though...am I a mega ***** for my attitude about alchol (I can't even spell it lol.) or is it really wrong?
I wouldn't want that life for my kids....but how common is this?
****My husband just chimed in "not very common on a MOTHERING site."
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Old 11-18-2006, 09:26 PM   #5
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Re: what would you do.....

Thanks, her name is Skylar....and she's sooo cute.
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Old 11-18-2006, 09:29 PM   #6
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Re: what would you do.....

IMO, it's irresponsible to be drinking in excess while taking care of a child (sleeping or not). A drink or two, maybe, but never to the point of being drunk. Your judgement is impaired when you drink and a child is too precious to be taking chances like that.
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Old 11-18-2006, 09:37 PM   #7
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Re: what would you do.....

That's what I thought too. I mean I know it's parinoid of me...god i'm so upset i'm just typing not correcting sp. sorry.
Like what if she passes out and Sky can't wake her? Or what if she needs to go to the ER in the middle of the night or climbs up on the kitchen counter and gets into stuff cause her mom won't notice and gets hurt.....WHAT THEN.
And besides....
what about her child's psyche?!!!!!!!
THATS what gets me the most.
Why can't she just put herself aside and handle her situation without making Skylar's childhood scared because of some stupid easy way out she chose.
My father in law-though I'm angry at him for excusing the dad and helping him-told me not to give the mom any money because she'd drink...and I gave her money because her husband took her whole paycheck and left them with nothing. But she did go out and drink on it.
I wouldn't give a crap if she didn't have a child.
BUT SHE DOES.
And god knows I"ve hurt before-but I delt with it. SOBER. Because I had my children here, and they needed to believe that everything was fine and that I could handle any crap that came our way. They trust me to put them first and to take care of them no matter what.
Why can't she do that.
She's supposed to come over tomorrow to use our phone, and she thinks were friends but I don't know what to say to her, and I'm mad.
I don't ever want to hear that she did this to Skylar again...but I think it must be their way of life. The mom just got out of...clearing my throat....rehab.
OMG
I would think it were all too much except they ARE going back home to stay with her parents, and apparently they are good people, so at least skylar will have her Grandma.
And I'm also worried about the mom...she dosen't know anyone here and she's drunk walking around town to get to the bar to get more drunk....and god only knows what will come of that. What if something happens to HER. I feel like calling my father in law and saying she's drinking, someone go pick her up....but I don't think they will think that's a life or death, get them out of bed, kind of thing. They'll most likely tell me she'll be fine......deep sigh.......
p.s.
I didn't even know these people until 3 wks ago...and i've only become involved the last couple of days....
but omg.
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Last edited by jillkuster; 11-18-2006 at 09:42 PM.
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Old 11-18-2006, 10:11 PM   #8
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Re: what would you do.....

Guess I"m talking into thin air here lol....
but I can't seem to calm down.
Today I had a conversation with the mom and I told her about Waldorf parenting and who Rudolf Steiner was.
I told her that part of his teaching is that
When children are around people fighting, or someone who is throwing a fit, they get a little shock.
Each time they get a little shock their souls close up a little bit.
I told her the comparison with water. How we tense up in cold water, and relax in warm.
I explained that it's so important that we put our children first, and that we think about these things when we face decisions about our mates. That at this point in our lives (she has three kids-the other two are with her mom) we have to think about the babys not ourselves, even when this is hard.
She said she got goosebumps hearing that, and that it made total sense to her.
I'm fumming.
THEN DO NOT GO AND DRINK that very same night.
And also....all this stress is going to drive me to drink.
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Old 11-18-2006, 10:12 PM   #9
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Re: what would you do.....

all the question you ask can't be answered because she has a disease...shes obviously an alcoholic. She is unable to think about the rationale that this drinking would do to her child and she is unable to stop or care...thats what addiction does it makes you not care about anything or anyone else.

that lil' girl's life will never get better until someone steps in.....you need to call cps and tell them what happened and tell them this is not an isolated inicident and that you fear for the childs safety. Its sad that you cant get the lil' girl but she will be somewhere safe......I hope that things get better...or maybe take her to you il's home to be with her dad cuz at least she will have your IL's to keep her safe and feed???
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Old 11-18-2006, 10:14 PM   #10
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Re: what would you do.....

Guess I forgot to mention.
Her dad is drunk tonight too...and last night, and the night before.
I would call CPS, except she is going to go with her mom to live with her grandma and grandpa in a couple of days. They are the ones who have the other children too.
I KNOW that they are good people because my father in law has had extensive conversations with them. They hate her drinking, and are mad at her. I'm just trusting that they really will care and take care of Skylar. They are wealthy and well educated, and their marriage is good. According to them, they've spent the last many years dealing with dissapointment in Jackie. (The mom, and they finally took her oldest kids.) I don't know why they didn't take Sky. I don't know them or the situation that well.
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